In the realm of divorce mediation, It has been said that “The toughest negotiators are the ones who are not at the table”.
What that means is that well-meaning friends and family members frequently offer unsolicited advice about how you should be negotiating. More often than not, that advice is some version of “Be tough! Don’t give in”. Sometimes the advice comes from someone who has no experience with divorce and therefore might not fully understand the process. Sometimes it comes from someone who has been through the process but is still grappling with unresolved anger or regret from their own divorce.
While it is understandable to seek the advice of people we trust, one should guard against giving those people too much influence to drive the negotiations. It is important to recognize that those people, however well-intentioned, are not part of the nuanced discussions around the table that invariably require some give-and-take, they are not dealing with the emotional and stressful dynamics inherent in divorce proceedings, they are not experiencing the anxiety and often fear of an unknown future that are all part of the process. .
If you are being told to be “tough”, take that advice with a grain of salt. Certainly let these trusted people know that you hear them and that you appreciate their concern. However, divorcing couples would be well advised to try to strike a balance between being a “tough” negotiator and being a wise negotiator. Don’t allow anyone else to delay or even derail your mediation. In the final analysis, it is the divorcing parties that should decide what course is best for them and must live with the final resolution.
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