Helping Your Children Navigate Divorce: A Guide for Parents

Making the decision to divorce is extremely difficult and painful for both parties. While divorce can be traumatic and stressful for adults, it can be even more so for children. That’s why it’s crucial to talk openly with your children about how divorce will affect their lives.

While honesty is essential, children don’t need to know all the details about why you are divorcing. Most of those details are best kept private. More than anything, your children need reassurance—not the particulars of who is to blame. Below are some key do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when discussing your divorce with your children.

Take Care of Yourself First

Before talking to your children, take time to process your own emotions. The end of a marriage can bring feelings of grief, rage, anxiety, and uncertainty. Acknowledge these emotions and engage in self-care. If you are emotionally stable (or working toward it), you’ll be better able to keep emotions out of the conversation and focus on your children’s needs.

Do It Together

As difficult as it may be, it’s important to present a united front when telling your children. Depending on their age, start with a simple explanation, such as, “Mom and Dad haven’t been getting along lately.” Then, let them know that, together, you have made the decision to divorce.

Reassure them that the decision had nothing to do with them. Children often blame themselves and may think changing their behavior could bring their parents back together. Let them know the decision is final and was made together.

Avoid assigning blame. Refrain from saying things like, “Your father wanted this,” or “Mom doesn’t love me anymore.” This type of language is harmful and confusing. Instead, keep the explanation simple and clear to help your children understand.

You Are Still a Family

Reassure your children that although you will be living separately, you are still a family. Even if it’s difficult to see your spouse, remember that you will always be co-parents. Let your children know that while your feelings for each other have changed, your love for them never will.

Reassure them that they will continue to spend quality time with each of you, even though you won’t be living under the same roof. Emphasize that you will still be there for them, even when you are not physically together.

Establish a Good Co-Parenting Relationship

A strong co-parenting relationship is crucial for your child’s well-being. Open, respectful communication between parents is the key to successful co-parenting.

• Communicate directly with each other. Don’t ask your children to deliver messages, especially negative ones.

• Respect their space. Avoid interrogating them about the other parent’s activities.

• Don’t put them in the middle. Never ask them to choose sides or tell you what you want to hear.

• Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent. Children love both parents, and hearing one parent insult the other is painful.

Listen to Your Children

Your children will have questions. Encourage them to ask and answer as honestly as possible—without blaming the other parent. Validate their feelings and avoid immediately trying to “fix” things. Sometimes, the best support is simply listening.

Acknowledge that change is scary, but remind them of past experiences where they’ve successfully adapted, like making new friends or switching schools. Help them focus on what will stay the same—whether it’s their home, school, or routine. Stability is essential, and discussing familiar aspects of their lives can provide comfort.

Ask Yourself: What Do You Want for Your Children?

Children are resilient and can navigate divorce successfully, but they will look to you as they adjust. It’s easy to lose sight of their needs when dealing with your own struggles. Before speaking or acting, ask yourself:

• Will this help or hurt my child’s well-being?

• Am I reducing stress or adding to it?

• Am I showing my child how to handle difficulties with grace?

While conflict with your co-parent is understandable, keep adult issues separate from your children. Just as you wouldn’t discuss refinancing your mortgage with them, don’t unload frustrations about child support or visitation disagreements on them. Show them, through your actions, that challenges can be handled in a healthy way.

Final Thoughts

Cooperation and good communication between co-parents lead to better outcomes for children. As you navigate this transition, seek support when needed—through therapy, co-parenting classes, or books. Divorce is a major life change, but with patience, empathy, and a focus on your children’s needs, you can help them adjust and thrive in their new family structure.