Embracing Uniqueness: Understanding Unique Challenges and Building Resilience Together
There are an increasing number of separating and divorcing parents who have a neurodiverse child. Neurodiversity encompasses a range of neurological differences such as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) dyslexia and other development mental and learning differences. As parents of a neurodiverse child, it is crucial to approach divorce with flexibility, sensitivity and understanding.
There are unique considerations of children with special needs undergoing separation or divorce that should be taken into consideration when developing parenting plans. Commonly recommended parenting plans may not work for these children who can function significantly below their chronological age and possess unique behavioral challenges. An examination of risk factors should govern what time share arrangements are most suitable on a case- by -case basis. Risk factors to consider include severity of the disorder, parental commitment to pursue medical, educational and therapeutic services and parents’ attunement and insightfulness about the child’s difficulties and overall parenting skills.
Provide Neurodiverse Children with Consistency and Predictability
Generally, children of any divorce do best when offered continued access to, and substantial time with both parents. However, not all parents of neurodiverse children have the requisite time and resources and/or the ability to provide the necessary structure to accommodate their child. Children with neurodiversity often thrive on routine during a divorce when their world may feel uncertain and maintaining consistency becomes even more important. Reliance on traditional developmentally appropriate parenting time arrangements may not serve the child well. For example, for children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) who exhibit high or moderate severity, the need for “sameness” in the environment may take precedence over the need for consistent routine. So even if the two households follow consistent routines and even mirror each other, the mere change in physical environment may stress the child. Similarly, children with ADHD may struggle with shifts in the physical environment as they can be slow in adapting to change. So, parenting schedules with frequent transitions between homes are problematic particularly with mid- week transitions interfering with the children’s need for stable routines to meet school demands. Parents should consider the needs of their child when determining whether that child would thrive more in a single primary home or whether joint custody would be suitable.
Be Aware of the Neurodiverse Child's Specific Vulnerabilities
Neurodiverse children may have specific vulnerabilities that should be taken into consideration when developing parenting plans. These children may be ill-equipped to handle ongoing high -conflict and are vulnerable to rejecting a parent in order to solve an otherwise overwhelming problem. The child’s rejection of a parent may reflect, in part, having inadequate or limited resources for navigating shared time with warring parents. Children lacking resiliency or adequate security or with an inability to manage change may lack the resiliency to withstand the intense pressure of custody battles and the parent’s alienating behaviors. The child’s rejection may reflect limited emotional or psychological resources to cope with a high- conflict climate between the parents as these children are particularly vulnerable to powerful dynamics imposed upon them.
Address Neuro Sensory Needs Wherever the Child May Live
Many neurodiverse children have sensory sensitivities or sensory processing difficulties. This is an important consideration if the child will be moving between households. Creating calm and sensory- friendly spaces where they can retreat to at their discretion when needed is of paramount importance. Co-parents need to communicate about these arrangements to ensure consistency and support for their child’s sensory wellbeing.
Keep Lines of Communication with the Child Open
Another concern for children with deficit language or intellectual impairment is how their voices may be heard and received. Communication with children is critical during any divorce. Keeping open and honest dialogue between co-parents is vital for making joint decisions that consider your child’s unique needs. To successfully help your child transition it is important to listen to that child’s preferences and views about decisions that will directly affect them. But the neurodiverse child may not have the ability to express their voice due to, for example, their diagnosed condition. If they have limited resources to express themselves, their views are no less important and should be heard. Alternative methods of understanding may need to be considered. It may be that effective listening to this child may warrant “looking” to observe behavioral responses. It may entail seeking the wisdom of child psychiatrists and pediatricians to formulate a developmentally appropriate plan for that neurodiverse child.
In navigating the complexities of divorce, it's essential to recognize the unique needs of neurodiverse children. Their experiences, sensitivities, and strengths deserve understanding and support throughout the process. By fostering open communication, seeking professional guidance when needed, and prioritizing their emotional well-being, parents can help mitigate the challenges these children face during this transitional period. Remember, while divorce may introduce changes, it also presents an opportunity for growth, resilience, and the reinforcement of familial bonds. Together, with compassion and commitment, parents can create a nurturing environment where every child, neurodiverse or not, feels valued, heard, and loved.
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