One of the biggest mistakes a couple can make when they begin divorce mediation, is failing to understand the primary goal of the process. Divorce mediation is not marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling looks back at past behaviors or events that have led to the breakdown of the marriage. Marriage counseling is invaluable for those couples who would like to stay together and are looking for ways to identify and correct past behaviors with an eye toward preserving and improving the relationship. In fact, many couples who enter mediation do so after first trying to repair the marriage through counseling.
Divorce mediation is different. It is for couples who have come to the conclusion that the marriage is over. When couples begin divorce mediation they do so with the understanding that the marriage is ending. They want to unwind their legal and financial ties to each other, come to an equitable division of their joint property, and find ways to redefine and restructure the familial relationships, specifically regarding the children. The primary focus of mediation is the road ahead, not what is in the rear view mirror.
In mediation the past is considered primarily to establish specific dates that are used in addressing issues of spousal support, determining which property is personal vs marital, retirement benefits and equitable distribution of assets. Each of those issues is driven in large part by establishing dates, for example: when the marriage (or relationship) started, when the parties separated, when specific property was acquired or when retirement benefits began to accrue.
Divorce mediation is not the place to go back to the past to revisit old grievances, to relitigate old arguments, to punish or embarrass your spouse for past mistakes, or to second guess decisions that were made in the past: “It was his/her idea to buy that stock 10 years ago, I knew it would crash”, “He/She was always more extravagant with spending its his/her fault that we are left will little savings”. Likewise, there is nothing to be gained by raising the issue of past infidelity in an attempt to assign fault; particularly in No Fault Divorce States such as New York.
Divorce mediation stirs up many emotions; anger, fear, sadness and regret are all natural. Divorce is one of the most consequential events that a person can go through which is ending one of what was one of the most important relationships a person can have. All that emotion makes it tempting to look back to assign blame or just to vent. However, looking back for those reasons does nothing to address the issues at hand and often makes it much more difficult to move the process forward.
In conclusion, couples who have started down the road toward divorce, and therefore toward the next chapter of their lives, would be wise to focus on the road ahead and making the decisions that will help get them to their destinations. Don’t waste your time or energy on what is in the rear view mirror.
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